Waisting My Life Away — I Got a Fever and the Only Prescription is More Kettlebell [Week 4]
It seems so harmless, sitting there in the corner on my living room. It’s a paperweight — or should be. It’s called a kettlebell, and I hate it.
One doesn’t do much with a kettlebell, except inflict torture upon oneself.
You swing it in some controlled excruciation until your arms shake and knees quake and you are crippled on the floor, muscles involuntarily twitching and your mouth gasping for air, like a fish out of water.
That was my experience anyway. I attempted something that probably looked nothing like this:
The problem was I am a weakling so far past my physical prime that swinging 20 pounds around for 15 minutes is about as daunting as approaching a strange woman in a bar.
And I don’t do that.
I don’t even know how I have a girlfriend.
It’s a miracle!
I can’t see the light at the end of this dark, horrifying, bat-filled exercise tunnel of despair. To say I was energetic going into this workout is to presume I like physical pain and anguish.
And that would be wrong.
But I’ve let you in on this diet and exercise plan and must be held accountable. I can’t give up — for your sake, not mine.
Begrudgingly, I searched for a kettlebell fat loss app on my iPhone. It’s called “Kettlebell Fat Loss Workout.” (It’s amazing how keyword searches come up with the perfect results!) I recommend the app, sure, but I also hate it.
It destroyed me. I did the 15-minute workout with a 20-pound kettlebell on Wednesday. I still can’t move my arms.
I’m told by a friend I will be jacked in a month, and I will be able to perform in certain areas “like a savage.” That certainly is motivation.
Meantime, I still can’t move my arms, so I ran a couple more times this week — Monday and Thursday — and worked with my Wii Fit the other days.
My girlfriend also introduced me to a different way of using my blender than just as a milkshake maker. Using the same principles of making a milkshake, I successfully made a fruit smoothie with protein powder added.
And it was good. I mean, really good. That was my dinner Thursday night. Here’s how it works:
- Take a glass
- Fill it about 3/4 with cut up frozen fruit. I used a package of mixed fruit from the frozen food section (although you can use fresh fruit and freeze it, but my girlfriend says, “Who has the time for that?”)
- Take water and fill to the top of the fruit (or just halfway if you like a thick smoothie)
- Pour into blender
- Blend until smooth and creamy and add a tablespoon or two of strawberry protein powder
- Blend to mix in the protein powder
When all was finished this week, I made some great progress. I lost a pound, finally! I also took a full 1.5 inches off my waist and a half inch off my gut. Boom!
Here’s where I stand after four weeks:
Height: 6 feet, 0 inches
Weight: 195 (-1 pound since start)
BMI: 25.7 (-0.2)
Waist: 38 inches (-1.5)
Gut: 42 inches (-0.5)
Exercise habits: Running a mile at least twice per week, Wii Fit 2-3 weekly, Kettlebell (eh, I’ve done it once, but hoping to do it 3 times weekly), Tennis (when girlfriend can play)
Disposition: My bones hurt