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The Weather Channel’s Jim Cantore is the New Chuck Norris

Jim Cantore

You know the Chuck Norris jokes. He famously sued Penguin Publishing for the line: “Chuck Norris’ tears can cure cancer, too bad he never cries.”

Well, there’s a new man in town and he came riding in on a tidal wave. His name: Jim Cantore, and these are the best Cantore one-liners. Tell us yours!

  • Jim Cantore’s mind can force clouds into whatever shape he desires.
  • Jim Cantore farts strato-cumulus clouds.
  • Jim Cantore’s ball cap weighs 90 pounds — that’s why his neck is so thick.
  • Jim Cantore’s shirts aren’t fitted or too small. He isn’t even wearing a shirt — he can just make his skin do that.
  • Jim Cantore’s arms is doppler radar.
  • Jim Cantore’s not bald — it’s just easier to gauge barometric pressure without hair.
  • You know how after an injury heals, some people say they can ‘feel’ the weather changing? Jim Cantore once jumped off the Eiffel Tower and broke every bone in his body. He can ‘feel’ every snowflake in Siberia.
  • That wasn’t a hurricane, it was Jim Cantore’s morning swim.
  • When Jim Cantore isn’t on camera, he IS the New Orleans levee system.
  • Lightning bolts are just how Jim Cantore teleports.
  • Jim Cantore’s perfectly toned muscles do not allow raindrops to touch his skin. With microscopic spasms, rain is repelled with extreme prejudice. The Weather Channel crew has to coat his exposed skin with glycerin so that he doesn’t look freakishly dry in hurricane weather.
  • Jim Cantore doesn’t need reading glasses, he uses the eye of the storm.
  • Jim Cantore speaks fluent Sleet.
  • Jim Cantore sneezes El Ninos.
  • Contrary to what the movie ‘Twister’ would have you believe, tornadoes cannot pick up cows. Jim Cantore was hired to throw the cow. He used one arm.
  • The sun doesn’t set, Jim Cantore puts it to bed.

Tell us yours!

(Co-created in conjunction with Cajun Radio)

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